Nintendo Wii?

Yes, you really will have to use that remote control to play games. Well, you would, if anyone actually buys one of these.

Nintendo President Satoru Iwata must live in the mushroom kingdom. In his fanciful world, people play video games with T.V. remotes and don't mind waiting until after all the other next generation consoles are out to pick one up that's comparable in capabilities to the original Xbox. (CPU 729 Mhz to Xbox's 733; GPU 243 Mhz to Xbox's 233)

To top it all off, Iwata announced that he's kicked the code name 'Revolution' to the curb, and has finally decided on a name for his new Nintendo console: the Wii. That's right, Wii. Pronounced like "we" or "whee" or maybe "wee"? Nintendo says that the double i's represent the controller's remotes, and people gathering to play, and that the moniker 'we' "emphasizes this console is for everyone." The press release went on to state that the name could "easily be remembered by people around the world, no matter what language they speak. No confusion. No need to abbreviate. Just Wii." Just Wii, classic.

Thank god, finally, something has come along to alleviate all the headaches caused by such complicated game system names as Playstation 3 and Xbox 360. Which one do they call the PS3 again? It's too much. I'll take a Wii now, thank you very much Microsoft and Sony.

Due Process

When you have to remind your landlord who you are, where you live, and how much your rent is EVERY month, it may be time to move.

So I'm suing my last landlord for non-payment of my security deposit. I suppose that it's a pretty common thing for them not to pay you back, but what most people don't realize is that the law, at least in Alaska, is on their side in that matter. If said landlord doesn't provide you with a notice of what your deposit was spent on within 14 days, you're entitled to double the amount withheld.

Here's the rub: When sued, the defendant has the option to elect formal rules of court, rather than proceed by the happy-go-lucky 'judge judy' style small claims procedure, and most slumlords have teams of lawyers on retainer. At this point, most people with any common sense realize how impossible the court system is to navigate, and rather than spend more money on a lawyer than they stand to get back, they just bow out gracefully. Luckily for me, I lack any common sense whatsoever.

There is just enough information out there to help the common man represent themself 'per si' in court under formal rules. I imagine right now the defense's lawyers are chuckling, betting that I won't get my discovery or witness and evidence lists submitted by the court deadline. I'm waiting until the last minute to hit them by surprise.

These fuckers are going down. I've read the entire landlord/tennant act, statute by statute, and they don't have a leg to stand on. I can't wait for my day in court.

Ted Stevens' Seward Folly

You may remember Ted Stevens from such sneaky moves as attaching ANWR oil drilling to a defense budget, or $223 million earmarked federal pork barrel dollars for Alaskan road projects.

In an unsurprising appropriations move by Alaska's sneakiest senator, (Gov. Murkowski holds sneakiest Alaskan title for his ongoing closed door gas line meetings) all leftover monies from the City of Seward visitor's center land appropriation fund were transferred to the Seward SeaLife Center. The collective jaw of Seward's residents dropped when they learned that they would not be receiving the $1.6 million for city projects.

Why would good ol' Uncle Ted appropriate so much money away from the visitor's center? Well, it turns out, one hand washes the other pretty well here in Alaska. Senator Stevens' ex-legislative aide, Trevor McCabe, now a lobbyist, had some leftover property that the state apparently forgot to buy when it purchased the rest of his parcels at inflated prices to build the SeaLife center. In fact, no one wanted to buy McCabe's asbestos and lead lined brick building, which only seemed like a good investment in 2003 when he bought as many of the possible future SeaLife locations as he could.

In fact, last year negotiations fell through when the Seward visitor's center refused to pay above market value for McCabe's waterfront deathtrap, which basically only has value as a lot. Finally, Uncle Ted came to the rescue, taking the $1.6 million from the coffers of the stingy visitor's center and granting it to the SeaLife center, who immediately used the funds to purchase McCabe's building.

R.I.P. - 400 Zanzibar Dolphins

Could dolphins we trained and supplied with weapons during Vietnam now be using their training and weapons against U.S. interests?

Dolphins, a major staple of the Zanzibar tourist industry, began washing up dead en masse Thursday night along a popular stretch of Zanzibar's northern coast. Villagers and fishermen found the dolphin corpses and clued in the government. Though there was a warning issued not to eat the dolphins, poison has been ruled out, and those who have been eating the dolphins despite the warning are reported to be just fine.

Some suggest the dolphins' fate could be tied to an incident in Hawaii in 2004, where 150 melon headed whales became stranded in Hanalei Bay. The National Marine Fisheries Service issued a report that blamed the use of active sonar in the bay by American and Japanese vessels in a training exercise that day. Some say that a U.S. Navy task force that patrols the area off the coast of Africa is to blame for the Zanzibar dolphins' death, the Navy has not issued a statement.

I think while it may be suggested that the Zanzibar dolphins could have been a terrorist cell and were victims of anti-terror measures, that explanation is only a cover up at best.

It should be obvious that the dolphins were anti-war protesters.

News from Saturn

Move over, Earth, Enceladus is the new place to be for all the 'cool' carbon based life.

The Cassini probe sent back images of the Saturn moon showing that a geyser in the south polar region, long thought to vent only ice particles from just under the planet's surface, was in fact venting liquid water. Unusually warm temperatures in this region suggest friction heat from below the icy surface. That means that Enceladus is now known to contain all three necessary components of life as we know it: Carbon, water, and an energy source.

Given recent discoveries concerning the reverse temperature metabolism of ice-worms, and unique solar-independent self-sustaining ecosystems in the depths of the oceans supported by volcanic vents; Imagining that microbial, possibly even multi-cellular carbon based life forms may already exist might not be a stretch of the imagination by any means, despite the moons freezing temperatures.

Oh shit, I forgot to make a joke.

Low-Tech Jewel Heist

"I'll take it. No, REALLY."

A man walked into Milanj Jewelers in the King of Prussia Mall in Pennsylvania Tuesday and asked the salesman to see a three-carat diamond set in platinum. After looking the ring over for several minutes the man apparently decided he wanted it. So he ran, right out of the mall.

When police found the man's vehicle later, abandoned, it turned out to be stolen as well. No further leads were available. The ring was valued in the neighborhood of $100,000.

File this under: 'Can't believe this doesn't happen every damn day of the week.'

Karim Kadim is a Bad Ass

These are the good guys. You can tell by the... uh... hmm. Well, hopefully, they're not the ones shooting at you.

Award winning photographer Karim Kadim has balls of steel. Karim walks around Iraq all day with a camera taking pictures of stuff, and then sells pictures to Americans. Regardless of your race, this doesn't sound like a safe way to make a living.

A recent picture for the Associated Press by Kadim got me thinking. It portrays an Iraqi soldier in full battle dress, Kevlar vest and helmet, holding a gun that looks like it could shoot holes in a tank for 30 minutes straight without running out of ammo. We have to realize that every single gun and piece of body armor that we supply an Iraqi is just fuel on the fire. What happens when the American superiors aren't around? We find pickup truck beds full of corpses daily. At least now the factions can kill each other efficiently and in greater numbers, I suppose.

R.I.P. - Jason Chellew

Misleading in its apparent normality, this Alta, CA house had to be fenced off because it swallowed a man.

Jason, we can only hope you've found a better place, because your life on Earth looks, to the outside observer, like it sucked. Your dad was a cop. You lived in your parents' basement with your pregnant Taiwanese wife. Together, you all lived in a dusty old run down mining town. Then, as if fate hadn't been cruel enough to you, you will always be remembered as that guy, whose death is the fodder of water cooler talks and weblogs.

It was 9:30 and you were just relaxing in your recliner, in your basement apartment, probably drinking a Pabst or whatever the hell is cheapest by the case in Cali, getting ready to call it a day.

Then the planet opened up and fucking ate you.

Advent Children Released

Square-Enix released their new CGI Final Fantasy movie today simultaneously in the United States and Japan. Is this something we dare posibly expect from Sqeenix in the future concerning games? Some of us are still waiting to play FFXII, Japan!

Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, out today, is a straight to video release attempting to repair the damage done by the box office bomb Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within. Fans' main problem with Spirits Within? Not true enough to the Final Fantasy name. Square-Enix attempted to remedy this concern by making the new movie a sequal to the most popular storyline from the series, making it as Final Fantasy-ish as possible.

I'm sure you already picked your copy up this morning. I did.
Times watched: 6

PBS Alaska Pipeline Documentary

I'm not positive, but somehow I doubt you'll see any shots like this on PBS. There is a crude spill per day in Prudhoe Bay.

PBS broadcasts their Trans-Alaska Pipeline documentary tonight. I'll have to TiVo it because I'll be pretty busy reading all the pro-oil propaghanda in the newspaper, listening to BP & Exxon advertise on the radio while I eat unrefined crude oil with a spoon and cheer about my Permanent Fund Dividend check, which I plan to spend entirely on $3.00/gal. gasoline, unless I can find it somewhere else for more.

Meanwhile, good luck stumbling into any of the exciting information concerning the remarkable progress they're making on Bio-Diesel and Vegetable Oil

greasecar.com

MORE Liquid Ass

"I think your article would be better with a picture of a bottle of Liquid ASS, so people can see what your talking about." -Andrew
C'mon Andy, Who doesn't know what Liquid Ass looks like?

Liquid Ass entrepreneur Andrew, AKA Assman #2 (by choice), was kind enough to link to my site at my request, following my article praising their product as "Totally necessary." So be sure to navigate there, if only to find my link and come back. It's like a scavenger hunt!

He was also kind enough to point out a mistake I made concerning the product's price. The correct cost of Liquid Ass is $4.75, a mere Quarter higher than my stated $4.50, which I have corrected on my original post. If you're a savvy shopper like me, though, you buy in bulk. Nine bottles lowers the cost to $3.98 ea. PLUS you pay the same shipping as for a single bottle.

Imagine your friends' delight when you tell them you've got a case of Liquid Ass!

R.I.P. - Estonian Bear

Here we see the Estonian Bear in his more carefree 'Canada Loving' days, posing in front of the Parliament House of Estonia. Seriously, that's the Paliament House of Estonia.

Though no one may have known you in life, Estonian Bear, we all mourn your passing. When a fishing crew saw you stranded on an ice floe more than 10 Km at sea, our hearts went out to you. So helpless and alone, pushed out by your mother to find your own territory in a shrinking world. Adrift, so far away from safety.

When the helicopter search was called off due to poor visibility, we all lost a little piece of ourselves. In a way, we're all just young cubs, adrift in arctic waters, trying to make our way to safe harbor.

Either that, or the whole thing was a joke to some drunk Estonian fishermen.

Georgia Gets 'Olde School'

Don't get me wrong, religion has it's selling points, but as the illustration shows, some things aren't all they're cracked up to be.

Georgia law makers know how to push the envelope. (what the hell does that phrase mean?) At any rate, back in the news: Georgia's small minds. Already famous for such gems as their State Supreme Court 'Ten Commandments' sculpture and 'Intelligent Design' curricula, Georgia goes one step further by instituting a Bible study course in public school, paid for by government tax dollars. Maybe if they instituted a U.S. Constitution study course instead, they might find that line they apparently missed about seperation of church and state.

I took a Bible course in college once, it was called "Ancient Literature."

North Pole: Not So Jolly In Off Season

Six middle school students in North Pole were recently arrested for plotting a school massacre. Without having any actual facts, I can only assume that Santa had something to do with this.

Six students were caught trying to get all Columbinesque when someone apparently posted something alluding to their plans on their MySpace account. Sure, a guy like me tries everything he can to get people to read his weblog, and here these kids are caught before they can even try anything. I guess it's time to start plotting a school shooting. Good advice, though: If you are plotting illegality in general, try not to advertise in the public domain.

Seriously, though, why is it that every time Alaska makes the national news, it has something to do with some fucked up kids and/or Natives? Do we make a big deal about your drunken crazy substance abusive Indian problems, contiguous United States? You guys are total cock-blockers.

Liquid Ass: Totally Necessary Product.

No one really liked Todd because he was always talking about 'racing Liquid Ass.' He wouldn't shut up about how smoothly it ran, and how fast it could go. That's just gross.

Whatever the top prize for inventions is, this year it needs to go to the guys who invented Liquid Ass. Not only is it a 100% necessary product with a cool name, but at $4.75 a bottle it's a bargain as well. I'd definitely recommend buying a case ($3.94 ea. per 9 pack), because you can never have enough Liquid Ass close at hand. Just think of all the applications for Liquid Ass, especially in scenarios where solid ass is simply not viable.

I've already decided how to get my piece of the pie, however, and Liquid Ass had better watch it's... Well, you know.

Available by request, on my website only, but hopefully gracing store shelves soon: Real Human Feces; guaranteed to be even funnier than Liquid Ass.

R.I.P. - Cyclops the Cat

This world was not a good enough place for you, Cy.

First thought to be a hoax, this picture of Cy the cyclops kitten is indeed accurate. The poor misbegotten creature lived only a single, sweet day, and left us all wanting more. Cy's arrival was a symbol of things to come. That's right, we now have photographic evidence, the future of evolution: Cyclopids.

Alaskan Democrats Sue State

Alaska's ruling family -Sen. Lisa Murkowski, daughter of Gov. Frank Murkowski, with America's ruling family -G.W. Bush, brother of Florida Gov. J. Bush, son of former President G.H.W. Bush. Remember: we live in a democracy, we just really like people with matching names.

Ok, so the Alaskan Democratic Party wants to take a look at official voting records and the state won't let them. What a bunch of whiny bitches, what's the big deal?

Just because half of the reporting districts "show more votes cast than there were registered voters to cast them" in the 2004 election doesn't mean anything fishy is going on. Especially not when you consider that only an average of 30% of the states' registered voters actually vote.

It was an important voting year, with a well known and liked democratic candidate running for governor against the previous Republican governor's daughter - who had been handed her seat the previous term by her father. There was an almost 100,000 vote discrepancy, about 35% of her total. The same was true for presidential votes, almost to the number.

With stakes that high, though, who can blame 100+% of registered voters for casting their ballots?

Fuck Kyle MacDonald!

Yeah, sure, call me a Canadian hater, he looks nice enough.

Here's the rub: I pay a substantial amount of money every month for the privelage of home ownership, it's something I had to work my way up in life to get, and I don't appriciate someone acting like they deserve a house for nothing. I understand that everyday people are given far more for far less. However; I'm not forced to hear, see, and read about those people except on MTV and VH1, which I try not to watch. And in magazines. And newspapers. The well to do neighborhoods. Out on the highway. At work... Okay, well I guess I'm forced to put up with it everywhere I look. Damn it, get your wealth out of my face!

You realize I forever blame you and your fucking paperclip, Kyle.

Back Yardigans

I'm not an animated children's show character, but I do spend all day in what they call the 'back yard' at the local lumber retailer. My favorite 'make believe' game is 'make believe the labor is worth the pay'.

Today, two of my coworkers and I invented a game involving aspects of soccer, skeeball, wallyball, and basketball. It had a fence, a garbage can, a five gallon bucket, and a basketball. I got paid twenty-one dollars per hour to play this ball game in the sun for two and a half hours before I went home. I came in second.

Moments like that are still not compensation for the damage we do to our bodies on a daily basis, but it helps to forget that you'll wake up with a stiff back and aching joints tomorrow.

USA: United States of Aztlan

What a convienient place for someone out of frame to wave an American flag!

Recent immigration reform rallies across the United States have been turning heads with up to one million protesters en masse, terrifying comfortable white men with gardeners and maids. The government and media attempt to sugar-coat the situation by providing small groups with American flags instead of Mexican flags for organized photo opportunities. The result is a very 4th of July-esque picture that might otherwise seem downright intimidating. National news outlets are already trying to shift the focus.

Meanwhile, a seperatist group known as La Voz de Aztlan have taken to speaking at ralles, inciting protesters, and calling for forfeiture of southwest American land in order to form a new country, called Aztlan. La Voz de Aztlan believes that recent school walkouts have proven that the latino youth is "now ready to be mobilized"... at least to skip a day of school.

The solution? Don't just offer the illegal immigrants citizenship, offer ALL mexicans citizenship. Grant the Mexican government statehood. If they don't accept, simply force a coup d'état as we did in Hawaii. Remember, guns were a perfectly acceptable method of handling mexican border disputes in 1846.

You're getting sleepy...

What do you mean you don't remember how you got home?

Hypnotism really should have much stricter lisencure. If it truely works, I bet at least one in three hypnotists is a date rapist. If you tell a girl at the bar that you're a hypnotist, who wouldn't be like "yeah right, hypnotize me!"

Does that make it consentual?

Transformers: The Movie - The Movie.

It's a familiar story: Toy companies reaping the rewards of nostalgic parents.

Younger parents mean quicker returns for companies like Hasbro, who spent a shit-ton of money in the 80's burning their product into young, impressionable minds. With that kind of business model, all you have to do is simply exist another 20 years or so, until young adults flood the market, wanting their kids to watch the same cartoon characters and play with the same toys they did. (e.g. cabbage patch, g.i. joe, my little pony)

Ever since the invention of CGI I've touted my idea of bringing a live action movie based on the Transformers. Giant robots causing chaos in urban environments? Turning into trucks and fighter jets, shooting each other with laser beams? Optimus fucking Prime?

All I want to know is: Where do I stand in line to pay my $12?

The Transformers Blog