The Most Important News EVER

I don't know what's more terrifying; the Rodriguez Leela, or imagining that rendered Zoidberg speaking with Billy West's Jewmitation. (irrepressible new hybrid word for Jew Imitation)

WELCOME BACK FUTURAMA!

That's right, bitches! Comedy Central has purchased the rights from Fox for exclusive control of the Futurama franchise, including all past episodes and the ability to produce new content! Production is under way for a season of at least 13 episodes, set to air when Cartoon Network's lease on the old Futurama episodes runs out in 2008.

Creators Matt Groening and David X. Cohen, as well as voice talent Billy West, John DiMaggio, and Katey Sagal have all agreed to reprise their roles. I know 2008 is a long time out, but at least I have my wedding and the live action 'Transformers' movie in 2007 to pass the time.

R.I.P. - Patricia Ramsey

Must... Not... Laugh...

This morning at 3:30 am in Atlanta, Patricia Ramsey, mother of murdered child beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey, died of cancer. Ramsey was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in 1993, but managed to live many years cancer free until karma caught up to her.

Regardless of whether or not she was involved in her daughter's death as many believe, Patricia did indeed put a 6 year old girl in makeup and high-heels, then paraded her in front of thousands of strangers. Had JonBenet not been strangled to death, she would have certainly had issues in her adult life.

How the Death Star Works

You, too, can own a Lego Death Star for the paltry sum of $299 US

The humorous aspect of this is not the fact that someone took the time to write an article on how the Death star works, but that they took it so damn seriously. It's posted in the 'science' category.

Bullysticks: For Your Dog's Pleasure

Finally, a product to satisfy your dog's hunger for penis.

That's right, Bullysticks are made from 100% natural bull penises, no additives, "smoked for your dog's pleasure." Bullysticks come in a variety of sizes and shapes, just the way god intended. "Whether you're looking to please the littlest dog or the largest," claims the website, "we can help."

The Jumbo Select Bullysticks come highly recommended and are 2-3 times the girth of standard Bullysticks. Select Bullysticks are for the average experience, Standard Bullysticks vary in girth and may contain the, ahem, "end."

Jumbo bullys are available in 6" only, Selects and Standards can be ordered in lengths of up to 36". Now that's a lot of penis.

Karl Rove, Standing Tall

Someone told Karl that you've got to resist or you end up looking like a pussy.

Since my regular site for news about Karl Rove, I Love Karl Rove, hasn't posted an update since April 26, 2006, I somehow missed the news that good 'ol Karl (or 'baby-face Rove' as I sometimes call him) won't be going anywhere any time soon. After a good "hard look" into matters, Pat Fitzgerald declined to press charges.

You know, I bet that guy that murdered O.J.'s wife was the one who leaked Valarie's name. We have GOT to catch that guy.

Buttered with Justice.

I bet they keep every single security deposit, and only one person in fifty sues.

I'm sure you remember that I've been pretending to be a lawyer lately, fighting my former Slumlord in civil court. The lawyers on the other side knew I had a case, so right before trial call they offered me my $700 deposit back. I informed them that the $700 already belonged to me and they would have to do better than that. They asked if I had a counter-offer and I told them that I wouldn't take one penny under $1,250. When they came back with $1,000, I asked if they had heard me correctly or if they wanted to go back into the courtroom.

They didn't.

See Dick be Jane

How old must you be to choose your gender?

In Broward county Florida, a child named Nicole is excited about her first year of public education. Nicole's parents, however, are concerned about whether her school is prepared for the special needs of their child. Nicole's special needs are not in education, though, but in understanding.

You see, Nicole was born Nicholas. Nicholas had "always been attracted to the flowers, the bright colors, his Barbie dolls, and his beloved mermaids," said his mother. His parents indulged his desires, believing it to be a phase, until one day Nicholas told his mother "I want the fairy princess to come and make my penis into a vagina."

Nicole's parents did not grant this wish, but Nicholas has been Nicole ever since, and she's the country's first gender transitioned kindergartener.

The Always Predictable Conclusion

What Kane really needed was a sweet pilot name, like 'Maverick' or 'Iceman'

When I concluded my Security Aviation story last month, I left with the assumption that Kane was going to go up on charges as a public scapegoat for the company, and that he would end up doing minimal time, as a mere formality. My opinion of the case was that Kane was definitely doing something unscrupulous with his fleet of military jets but was being given a blind eye, if not a helping hand, by uncle Sam. The whole bust had the feeling of being a mistake in communication between levels of government, an embarrassing oversight, to be quickly glossed over and forgotten.

Given the nature of the case, even with its amazingly low profile of late, I was shocked to hear that the jury found Rob Kane and Security Aviation not guilty on all charges relating to the two rocket launchers. Sort of what I imagined, but without even a symbolic punishment. Fitting, for a story titled 'Lords of War in Alaska' that the case would have such a similar conclusion to the film.

I can just picture Rob Kane now, reciting those last few lines from the film. Telling the federal prosecutor "Here's how this is going to go..."

40 Years of Star Trek: The Collection

Here we see the Trekker in their natural habitat - The Convention.

Christie's Auction House is having a spectacular auction of Star Trek memorabilia, including such items as ship and building models (from the days before CGI), props (weapons, instruments, jewelry), and wardrobe (including Picard's first season jumper).

The collection to be auctioned is making a world tour including stops in Germany, England, and the United States before heading back to Christie's to be auctioned on October 5th through the 7th. You can pre-order the auction catalogue for $90, or $500 for the special edition boxed set, both include admission to the New York viewing.

Most items are estimated in the $1,000 to $10,000 range, with a few high profile models and costumes estimated in the $15,000 range.

Osama Bin Whozit?

Political cartoons; proving once again that death and war are hilarious.

I had a sit down chat two weeks ago to the day with a soldier who recently served in Iraq. Although I'm sure he must have been quite tired of the subject, we tended to focus on Iraq and the circumstances of his return. The soldier was back in the states following his survival of a suicide bombing at an Iraqi market.

One bit of news this soldier was particularly happy to relay was that Al-Zarqawi had been either killed or captured before he left. "We got 'im," was the exact quote. He said that we wouldn't hear about it for a while, but he was certain his information was correct.

The curious part of this story is the news coverage of Al-Zarqawi's death states that he died in the air strike conducted on Wednesday, a week and a half after I was let into the loop. Either the soldier I spoke to has a magnificent sixth sense, or there was a bit of funny business involving the entire situation. It wouldn't be the first time, I'm sure.

At any rate, Al-Zarqawi's death is great news in the war on terror. Now if we could only find Osama Bin Laden, Saddam's weapons of mass destruction, or our missing civil liberties. Oh, and someone tell the insurgents that they can stop killing people now.

The Wine Kone on Tom Cruise

Mutant Awareness

Never mind the stigma, think about the practicality. I'd give my left arm for another left arm.

Liu Junjie, a two month old baby in China, has had his extra arm removed by Chinese doctors. I can only wonder; why? Jie Jie's third arm was almost perfectly anatomically formed, and though it couldn't extend fully, could likely have become fully functional. His remaining hand has no palm and flexes in either direction.

Accurate figures for humans that have grown extra limbs are impossible to obtain, as a large number of mutant fetuses are miscarried or aborted. In the case of most children who are born with excess appendages, the mutant limb is almost always easily identifiable and is surgically removed.

It's time to end this prejudice, sick practice and embrace the evolutionary change that nature is forcing upon us. Mothers of the world, birth those mutant children. Doctors of the world, don't remove their extra limbs. If we continue to systematically eliminate mutants we're no better than Hitler. Didn't anyone pay attention to X-Men III?

Party Like Michigan

What, did I miss the end of the war on terror?

Well, June 6th 2006 has passed and apparently the apocalypse can wait another hundred years. In order to commemorate the momentous occasion, a remake of a fairly creepy movie about the son of Satan was released, and some people went to Michigan to party. I'd say that they're all going to Hell, but I guess technically they're already there.

John Cologne a.k.a. Odum Plenty, the mayor of Hell, pulled out all the stops for today's party. Bringing home some souvenirs in limited runs of 666 each, selling for $6.66 will boldly state that you are either an atheist, non-Christian, or think that Jesus gets a chuckle out of sacrilege. Hey, nobody's passing judgment here, maybe you just took the kids for the 66 cent ice cream, or to send them through the "Gates of Hell" at the children's play area. "They're 8 feet tall and 5 foot wide and each gate looks like flames, and when they're closed, it's a devil's head," boasts the Cologne.

The best part is that the town got the name when someone asked George Reeves what to call the town he helped settle once Michigan gained its statehood and he replied "call it Hell for all I care." What a mean old bastard.

R.I.P. - Whitney Cerak, OOPS, er, Laura VanRyn

Whitney reportedly took a swing at one of the VanRyn family during what must have been a very awkward and frustrating recovery.

A fatal car crash April 26 on I-69 in Indianapolis left four students and one staff member of an Upland, Indiana Christian College dead. One student, identified by school staff as Laura VanRyn, survived and was hospitalized in a coma for weeks afterward. The VanRyn family waited patiently by her bedside for any change in condition, making frequent Weblog updates.

Meanwhile, Whitney Cerak, a fellow Taylor student involved in the crash was laid to rest in a memorial service attended by her friends and family.

When the girl in the hospital bed awoke and began to vocalize, the VanRyn family slowly came to realize that she was not their daughter. Laura VanRyn was buried in the Cerak Family plot, and Whitney Cerak had been attended to for weeks by complete strangers.

One family's miracle is another's travesty.

UPDATE: The VanRyn family has deleted their blog, but who can blame them?

Dark Days Ahead for Alaska

Alaskan Politicians Frank and Lisa Murkowski know how to keep it in the family.

Current Alaska Governor Frank Murkowski has announced mere days before the deadline that he will indeed be throwing his hat into the ring for the coming election. Murkowski is apparently not convinced that he has enough time or support to steamroll the senate into accepting his gas pipeline deal before the end of his current term. Murkowski has stated publicly that should he run for re-election he "will win." To me, this is a very frightening proposition. Sarah Palin, an Alaskan favorite who has been campaigning all year, will now face Frank Murkowski in the Republican primary. Palin may be a favorite with residents, but if the 2002 Lt. Governor's primary she lost to Loren Leman is any indication, she lacks the support of her party, especially against powerhouse Murkowski. That means slim chances for anyone who was hoping to elect Palin on her progressive 'Alaskans first' pro all-Alaska gas pipeline platform.

Former Democratic Governor and Senator Tony Knowles, a well supported Alaskan Democrat has also entered the race late, apparently the Democrat's answer to Murkowski. Knowles is running on a platform of oil taxes for education, and has stated that he would like to offer free in-state college tuition to Alaskan high school graduates with a 'B' or better average. As disillusioned as residents may be with Murkowski, Alaska still carries an overwhelming Republican majority. Even a man as popular as Knowles could easily lose when the party chips are down. Knowles last foray into politics was an unsuccessful bid for Senate last term, which he lost to Frank Murkowski's daughter, Lisa.

I hope to God that I'm wrong, that enough people are fed up with Murkowski's oil interests and self serving ways. I hope Alaskan's wake up and see that we're being conned out of our oil in broad daylight, by the least subtle man on the planet, flying around in a jet that a vote of the people rejected, pockets lined by Exxon and BP. If votes even count anymore I hope that Alaskans speak up this fall, but as it stands now I see very dark days ahead.