Overflowe

Anderson Cooper is a Gay Racist.

2008-11-09T18:46:00.006-09:00

I don't even know what to say, except that I think everyone deserves three clowns on their birthday.

Anderson Cooper seems to have a problem with Freudian slips. In a 2004 interview with The Reverend Jerry Falwell, while the pair were discussing civil unions for homosexuals, Cooper got frustrated with Falwell and stated "You know we pay taxes!"

Since then, Cooper has all but come out of the closet. It seems to be all but common knowledge that he is gay, but Cooper maintains, "I understand why people might be interested. But I just don't talk about my personal life. It's a decision I made a long time ago, before I ever even knew anyone would be interested in my personal life. The whole thing about being a reporter is that you're supposed to be an observer and to be able to adapt with any group you're in, and I don't want to do anything that threatens that."

So if Cooper's slips are inevitably true, what am I to make of his statement on Anderson Cooper 360° this past Friday, November 7th, 2008, when he came within one syllable of referring to Barack Obama's Inauguration as his "In-nigger-ation"?

You heard it here first, Anderson Cooper: Emmy Award winning gay racist.

David Hasselhoff: Swiss as Cheese.

2008-08-26T21:06:00.008-08:00

Hasselhoff brings it to a whole new level for Sings America by representing the entire nation with such heartwarming hits as "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head," "You've Lost That Lovin Feeling," "These Boots Are Made For Walking," and "Rhinestone Cowboy."

Superstar pop-culture icon David Hasselhoff is at it again. Two short years on the heels of the Brandy wars, the Hoff is back on the multinational scene, making slanderous comments about both America and Greece by declaring - on live national television - that Harlem performance artists The James Gang were "as American as the Olympics."

Yes David, I can't think of anything more comparable to baseball and apple pie than be-bopping 1920's stereotypes performing a spoken word act mixed with magic... Oh wait; how about a french-revived ancient greek multinational tournament of athleticism?

In honor of Hasselhoff's absolutlely mind-numbing comment I'd like to name some other things that are as American as the Olympics:

Euthanasia
Chinese Food
Atlases
Mario & Sonic
Toilet Paper
Oxygen
Germany

3DHDDVD's?

2007-01-21T21:03:00.000-09:00

"Ooh, baby give me one more chance?" We can only pray that Eo never makes it to 3DHDTV

Does your television lack depth? No, I'm not talking about daytime programming or physical dimensions, just optically perceived planes of depth. Well, if leading technology researchers and marketers have it their way, it soon may not. Preceding a European 3DTV Conference in May of 2007 there have been a rush of news releases by leading tech companies, all hoping to get a name recognition 'leg up' on competition in the burgeoning field before their thunder is stolen by the effects of rampant free publicity.

So what kind of 3D are we talking about? Not holographic projection, which has been in its infancy for the last decade, and may take another decade or two to appear in marketable form. The type of 3DTV on the near horizon, unaided stereoscopic television, can be thought of as an evolution of the same 3-D technology used by Michael Jackson to terrify small children in Disney's "Captain Eo" until 1997. The most recent evolution of stereoscopy unencumbers the viewer from the hallmark blue and red cellophane glasses, and purports to be slightly less nauseating, but only if not watching "Captain Eo."

Dynamic Digital Depth is one pioneer already offering 3D conversion software in mobile phones and laptops, converting a standard optical image to an unaided stereoscopic one. Wondering when you can get your hands on one? In September of 2006 professor Onural of Turkey's Bilkent University optimistically stated that "(unaided) stereoscopic 3D will be commonplace in homes and cinemas in about three years." Commonplace might depend on the definition, however, when one considers the number of homes still without HDTV; the last television revolution. Still, available is certain. Phillips forecasts a 2008 product, perhaps prompted by Samsung's announcement of a 2009 delivery, or vice versa.

Stingrays Strike Back

2006-10-19T13:33:00.000-08:00

Could this be a WMD?

A Florida man is in critical condition after a Florda Stingray somehow breeched the water, boarded his boat, and stabbed him in the heart, proving once again that Stingrays have a wicked good aim and working knowledge of human anatomy.

Following wilder-dude Steve Irwin's death at the hands of an Austrailian Stingray, Austrailians took to the water to confront the rays, killing the docile beasts. This latest agression against a citizen of the United States, within our own boarders, can only be taken as a declaration of war from the Stingrays. Americans, it's your duty to avenge this man (just assume he takes a turn for the worse and dies). Take to the water and kill rays, stay the course, if we give up now, the Stingrays win.

YOUR World, Cavuto.

2006-10-19T13:00:00.000-08:00

There's a reason why I've never watched an entire episode of Cavuto. This is definitely not my world.

Today on 'Your World with Neil Cavuto': New York Times columnist John Tierney tells Neil why Wal-Mart deserves the Nobel Prize, bookended by news that the DOW closed at a record high of above 12,000 and Coca-Cola & McDonald's quarterly profits rose 15%.

Wow. God Bless America.

Ley Antiterrorista

2006-10-09T16:00:00.000-08:00

Of interesting note: The artist, Nerilicon, has only two restrictions on this image; to print the artist's attribution (Milenio, Mexico) and that the image may not be reprinted in Mexico. How very odd.

Salvation Through Epantsipation

2006-10-03T22:28:00.000-08:00

Bible Tracts

2006-10-02T21:18:00.002-08:00

I can't see why we haven't converted everyone in Iraq yet, it looks so easy.

Please don't leave bible tracts where I shit, I'm begging you. I'm sure Jesus would love you (more?) for making the public restroom a place of worship in a passive/aggressive sort of way, but there are better places to spread his word. If this continues I just might have to shit in your church; after all, the address is right there on the tracts.

Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf

2006-09-29T15:28:00.000-08:00

President Musharraf was in the United States recently along with Unocal patsy, I mean Afghani President Hamid Karzai, speaking with American President George Bush concerning the resurgence of violence in the region. While selling his memoir to American audiences, President Musharref made 'Daily Show' history, being the first sitting world leader to ever appear on the program. I wonder if he ever saw this clip:

Democracy Inaction: Spotlight on Alaska

2006-09-26T16:07:00.001-08:00

Don Young

Republican Congressman for Alaska Don Young ran unopposed this term in his primary. It's really not surprising when you consider that Young has had a monopoly on the whole congress schick in Alaska for three quarters of its statehood; Young has been Alaska's only Congressman for thirty four of its 47 years in the union. Recently, Young has refused to debate with his democratic challenger, Diane Benson, in town hall style. Perhaps Young thinks that he is entitled to a life appointment? Or, perhaps Young realizes that as long as he avoids any sort of attention, there is nothing that Benson could do to cost him his job. All Young has to do is stay out of sight (which he's pretty good at) and he'll easily retain his seat.

Ben Stevens

Alaska State Senate President Ben Stevens, son of Senator Ted Stevens, has never been secretive about his oil interests. He once held a $250,000 a year 'consulting' job with Veco at the same time as his State Senate seat. Many were surprised when Stevens office was raided twice by the FBI, but only because none of us can believe that there's anything he could be doing in private that's more objectionable than what he does right in front of our faces.

Bryce Edgmon

State Representitive Democratic nominee Bryce Edgmon had an exact 50% chance of receiving his party's nomination this primary. The race between Edgmon and incumbent Representitive Carl Moses was decided in the following fashion: Two polished stones from the Aleutian islands were adorned with either candidate's name and placed in a hand woven grass basket by Lieutenant Governor Loren Leman. Elections director Whitney Brewster drew the stone with Moses' name, and Moses chose the Walrus side of the gold-and-silver commemorative coin, which was flipped onto an otter pelt. Unfortunately for Moses, the coin landed showing the Alaska State seal, proving once and for all that democracy is still alive.

Politics Should be a Drinking Game

2006-09-23T23:19:00.000-08:00

How odd, when all the problems of the world seem so simple, simple motor function can be so difficult.

Drinking last night with my father-in-law, a Vietnam veteran, the conversation migrated toward war; in particular, an inquiry on my part into his personal perception of how the Vietnam campaign was handled in general - in retrospect.

Hazily, the conversation quickly made it back through the current Iraq campaign, ambled over towards Hugo Chavez, lightly touching on the mainstream media, Israel's Lebanon campaign, on to international oil, over to international policy, and eventually somehow ended up at the fatalistic human mentality concerning the environment. Basically we covered the entire state of current human affairs; coming to reasonable and acceptable conclusions that were mutually agreeable on each topic as we progressed.

(e.g. YES, as a country, when it all shakes down, despite public discontent, America needs to do whatever it takes to stay on top, economically, if we all intend to enjoy the standard of living to which we are accustomed. {aside from whether it's morally correct}

Hugo Chavez on George Bush

2006-09-21T20:25:00.000-08:00

Princeton Outs Diebold

2006-09-20T18:48:00.000-08:00

Now I usually let video posts speak for themselves, but I couldn't let this one go without a bit of editorial. First, as you watch the video, replace every instance of the word 'criminal' with 'Republican,' and you'll get the gist. Second, notice that no one in the MSM will address the probability that vote fraud has ALREADY occurred (Ohio). Third, if you have more than a ten second attention span, sit down and write a letter to your Congressman and ask them to decommission any Diebold machines used in your state in light of the proven possibility of vote fraud. The real tragedy will be if nothing is done and these easily manipulated machines continue to be used.

Norm MacDonald on Steve Irwin

2006-09-20T18:15:00.000-08:00

R.I.P. - At Least Ten Australian Stingrays

2006-09-20T15:48:00.000-08:00

Revenge is a dish best served raw, with a bit of Wasabi and a seaweed wrap.

Apparently, grieving Steve Irwin fans have been honoring Irwin's legacy the best they know how; by killing and mutilating defenseless stingrays off the Queensland coast. Actually, that's only a partial truth, as Steve himself would vouch. The rays do have an occasionally accurate system of defense, capable of wounding or even killing predators; or Australian television personalities.

Some may be consoled by the fact that Steve Irwin died doing what he loved, because I'm pretty sure he REALLY loved getting stabbed in the heart by stingrays.

We love and miss you, you crazy son of a bitch.

UAA Supports my Habit

2006-09-15T11:29:00.000-08:00

What, Exactly, IS a "Sea Wolf"? Is that like the canine equivalant of a "Sea Lion"?

My life has come full circle it seems. I had an MMORPG addiction in 2004 that facilitated my decision to drop out of college. This fall, I finally returned to academia, and with the Help of University of Alaska's wireless network and my new WiFi capable laptop, I can now play Star Wars Galaxies while pretending to pay attention to the professor's lectures while attending class.

Some Old News: Now you see me...

2006-08-24T21:47:00.000-08:00

I thought 'Hollow Man' proved that we would all be rapists if we were invisible. Is that what you want, a bunch of invisible rapists?

In a breaking months old story that I've been meaning to get around to; Apparently, some scientists think it may be possible to someday use nano machines to arc light rays around an object so that one would see the light reflected off of all visible objects except the one around which the light is being manipulated.

Or at least that's what I was able to come away with after my rigorous 30 second perusal of said article. All that means to me is that we might just have 'cloaking' technology before the Klingons.

Or there's always this little thing, which is practically already marketable.

Murkowski & BP Save the Last Dance

2006-08-24T19:42:00.000-08:00

"Maybe they just weren't used to somebody who calls them as he sees them," said Murkowski. Or maybe, just maybe, you're a complete fucking douchebag piece of shit and that's why no one voted for you.

28% of Alaska's residents have spoken, and only 18.6% of those voting were in favor of Alaska's senile, arrogant governor Frank Murkowski. Murkowski, proven a liar by his statement; "If I do run, I will win" officially tucked his tail between his legs on Tuesday night, when Sarah Palin, grass roots outsider of the cycle, won the state Republican primary.

Recent scare tactics used by Murkowski and oil giant BP, such as shutting off 50% of Alaska's crude oil production in order to pressure lawmakers into making a hasty decision on petroleum tax reforms, were apparently unsuccessful; except for the lawmakers making that hasty decision regarding the petroleum tax reforms. Therefore, following news of Murkowski's loss in the primary, BP announced that due to discoveries of asbestos in pipeline insulation, repairs have been hindered and production is to drop an additional 50%. Alaska now produces half of half of its crude capacity. 'Discoveries'? How exactly does BP not know the composition of pipeline insulation that it installed?

Regardless of BP's tightening grip, lawmakers now seem unlikely to be prodded into any rash action in the scant 3 months that Murkowski has in office, regardless of how many special sessions he calls. Alaska's residents breathe a collective sigh of relief that no matter how bad Frank tries to fuck us over in his last two months, we at least have a new governor in line who has promised to clean up the mess.

So, do you think all of that will stop Frank Murkowski from using an obscure Alaskan law that allows him as Governor to sign off on any issue that remains unresolved after three special sessions, the third of which has been called for early November? Murkowski said he wouldn't exercise that power, but he also said he would win.

Murkowski Scare Tactics Pay Off, So Far.

2006-08-11T00:23:00.000-08:00

According to the gauges, it's time for some good old-fashioned Republican fear-mongering.

When one of oil giant BP's transit lines broke this march, spilling some 210,000 gallons of oil (the largest land spill in the history of Alaska) not one person looked up from their morning corn flakes. However; a small 210 gallon leak in a supply pipe this Tuesday at Prudhoe Bay oil field caused by corrosion (due to insufficient maintenance by BP) brought about BP's decision to shut off the entire Prudhoe Bay field for inspection and maintenance. Prudhoe Bay accounts for approximately half of all Alaska's oil production, oil accounts for approximately 80% of Alaska's total income. Oil carries heavy leverage and the timing of the shutdown is amazingly coincidental, considering that Frank Murkowski was able to use it as a tool to pass his oil and gas tax, and will likely use it to gain an edge in the primaries.

With the stranglehold tightened and the governor's whip cracking at their backs, lawmakers (conveniently already in a second special session called by Governor Murkowski to push his tax plan) passed the controversial new tax restructuring that they had been holding out so adamantly against immediately after hearing of BP's shutdown. The new oil and gas tax plan is based on net profits of the oil companies, with credits for reinvestment and maintenance (like the possibility that the State will pay for full replacement of BP's currently degrading pipe system) and assures that with a little creative bookkeeping big oil will share little profit with the state.

After the biggest pipeline leak in Alaska history is old news, why continue pumping oil for five months and then shut down the pipeline for a measley 210 gallons exactly one week before party primaries? Must be nice to have that kind of pull at BP, Frank.

Hasselhoff Declares War on Brandy

2006-07-12T22:08:00.000-08:00

Hasselhoff makes a remark about 'certain types of people' while Brandy makes perfectly clear who he is referring to for the home viewer.

In a brazen move of strong-arm diplomacy, actor/singer David Hasselhoff has declared war on actor/singer Brandy Norwood. Hasselhoff and Norwood (known to America simply as Brandy) are both judges on the American Idol inspired talent show America's Got Talent, and nearly came to blows during an episode which aired July 12.

The argument grew out of a disagreement between the two about the worth of one of the night's acts, Vladik, a juggler. Mr. Hasselhoff berated Vladik, stating that there were many much more talented acts present, and became irritable when confronted by Miss Norwood concerning his prejudice of jugglers. When Mr. Hasselhoff's began to bang against his podium with decisive hand gestures while arguing his defense, he triggered the 'check' button on his podium, signaling a passing vote for Vladik from Hasselhoff. Hasselhoff was clearly stunned at this turn of events.

Brandy interjected that it was "Too late," because Hasselhoff "gave him a check." Hasselhoff, who was wearing a wrist brace, had not noticed that he hit his button, and immediately accused the young pop star of subterfuge. Enraged, believing his vote had been cast for him, Hasselhoff scooted back in his chair, turned to face miss Norwood and threatened, "You know what? You had better watch your checks next time!" Clearly stunned, Brandy remained speechless, so Hasselhoff plainly stated: "THIS IS WAR NOW!"

No word yet on when Hasselhoff will schedule troop deployment, or on the condition of Brandy's defenses.

The Daily Show Effect

2006-07-12T18:20:00.000-08:00

Is there a prescription you can take if your news is always soft?

An article published in American Politics Research journal finds that when exposed to The Daily Show, people report more confidence in their "ability to understand the complicated world of politics", but are more likely to be cynical of the electoral system and the news media at large.

Jody Baumgartner and Jonathan S. Morris, researchers and authors of the article, come to the conclusion that though research shows a contribution of 'Soft News' to democratic society by drawing in new interest in politics and world news, their "findings indicate that The Daily Show may have more detrimental effects," such as "driving down support for political institutions and leaders among those already inclined toward nonparticipation. "

Bad Stewart, no Emmy!

The Most Important News EVER

2006-06-24T22:55:00.000-08:00

I don't know what's more terrifying; the Rodriguez Leela, or imagining that rendered Zoidberg speaking with Billy West's Jewmitation. (irrepressible new hybrid word for Jew Imitation)

WELCOME BACK FUTURAMA!

That's right, bitches! Comedy Central has purchased the rights from Fox for exclusive control of the Futurama franchise, including all past episodes and the ability to produce new content! Production is under way for a season of at least 13 episodes, set to air when Cartoon Network's lease on the old Futurama episodes runs out in 2008.

Creators Matt Groening and David X. Cohen, as well as voice talent Billy West, John DiMaggio, and Katey Sagal have all agreed to reprise their roles. I know 2008 is a long time out, but at least I have my wedding and the live action 'Transformers' movie in 2007 to pass the time.

R.I.P. - Patricia Ramsey

2006-06-24T22:04:00.000-08:00

Must... Not... Laugh...

This morning at 3:30 am in Atlanta, Patricia Ramsey, mother of murdered child beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey, died of cancer. Ramsey was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in 1993, but managed to live many years cancer free until karma caught up to her.

Regardless of whether or not she was involved in her daughter's death as many believe, Patricia did indeed put a 6 year old girl in makeup and high-heels, then paraded her in front of thousands of strangers. Had JonBenet not been strangled to death, she would have certainly had issues in her adult life.

How the Death Star Works

2006-06-24T21:52:00.000-08:00

You, too, can own a Lego Death Star for the paltry sum of $299 US

The humorous aspect of this is not the fact that someone took the time to write an article on how the Death star works, but that they took it so damn seriously. It's posted in the 'science' category.

Bullysticks: For Your Dog's Pleasure

2006-06-24T19:56:00.000-08:00

Finally, a product to satisfy your dog's hunger for penis.

That's right, Bullysticks are made from 100% natural bull penises, no additives, "smoked for your dog's pleasure." Bullysticks come in a variety of sizes and shapes, just the way god intended. "Whether you're looking to please the littlest dog or the largest," claims the website, "we can help."

The Jumbo Select Bullysticks come highly recommended and are 2-3 times the girth of standard Bullysticks. Select Bullysticks are for the average experience, Standard Bullysticks vary in girth and may contain the, ahem, "end."

Jumbo bullys are available in 6" only, Selects and Standards can be ordered in lengths of up to 36". Now that's a lot of penis.

Karl Rove, Standing Tall

2006-06-14T19:30:00.000-08:00

Someone told Karl that you've got to resist or you end up looking like a pussy.

Since my regular site for news about Karl Rove, I Love Karl Rove, hasn't posted an update since April 26, 2006, I somehow missed the news that good 'ol Karl (or 'baby-face Rove' as I sometimes call him) won't be going anywhere any time soon. After a good "hard look" into matters, Pat Fitzgerald declined to press charges.

You know, I bet that guy that murdered O.J.'s wife was the one who leaked Valarie's name. We have GOT to catch that guy.

Buttered with Justice.

2006-06-14T19:12:00.000-08:00

I bet they keep every single security deposit, and only one person in fifty sues.

I'm sure you remember that I've been pretending to be a lawyer lately, fighting my former Slumlord in civil court. The lawyers on the other side knew I had a case, so right before trial call they offered me my $700 deposit back. I informed them that the $700 already belonged to me and they would have to do better than that. They asked if I had a counter-offer and I told them that I wouldn't take one penny under $1,250. When they came back with $1,000, I asked if they had heard me correctly or if they wanted to go back into the courtroom.

They didn't.

See Dick be Jane

2006-06-12T19:08:00.000-08:00

How old must you be to choose your gender?

In Broward county Florida, a child named Nicole is excited about her first year of public education. Nicole's parents, however, are concerned about whether her school is prepared for the special needs of their child. Nicole's special needs are not in education, though, but in understanding.

You see, Nicole was born Nicholas. Nicholas had "always been attracted to the flowers, the bright colors, his Barbie dolls, and his beloved mermaids," said his mother. His parents indulged his desires, believing it to be a phase, until one day Nicholas told his mother "I want the fairy princess to come and make my penis into a vagina."

Nicole's parents did not grant this wish, but Nicholas has been Nicole ever since, and she's the country's first gender transitioned kindergartener.

The Always Predictable Conclusion

2006-06-11T20:32:00.000-08:00

What Kane really needed was a sweet pilot name, like 'Maverick' or 'Iceman'

When I concluded my Security Aviation story last month, I left with the assumption that Kane was going to go up on charges as a public scapegoat for the company, and that he would end up doing minimal time, as a mere formality. My opinion of the case was that Kane was definitely doing something unscrupulous with his fleet of military jets but was being given a blind eye, if not a helping hand, by uncle Sam. The whole bust had the feeling of being a mistake in communication between levels of government, an embarrassing oversight, to be quickly glossed over and forgotten.

Given the nature of the case, even with its amazingly low profile of late, I was shocked to hear that the jury found Rob Kane and Security Aviation not guilty on all charges relating to the two rocket launchers. Sort of what I imagined, but without even a symbolic punishment. Fitting, for a story titled 'Lords of War in Alaska' that the case would have such a similar conclusion to the film.

I can just picture Rob Kane now, reciting those last few lines from the film. Telling the federal prosecutor "Here's how this is going to go..."

40 Years of Star Trek: The Collection

2006-06-10T11:04:00.000-08:00

Here we see the Trekker in their natural habitat - The Convention.

Christie's Auction House is having a spectacular auction of Star Trek memorabilia, including such items as ship and building models (from the days before CGI), props (weapons, instruments, jewelry), and wardrobe (including Picard's first season jumper).

The collection to be auctioned is making a world tour including stops in Germany, England, and the United States before heading back to Christie's to be auctioned on October 5th through the 7th. You can pre-order the auction catalogue for $90, or $500 for the special edition boxed set, both include admission to the New York viewing.

Most items are estimated in the $1,000 to $10,000 range, with a few high profile models and costumes estimated in the $15,000 range.

Osama Bin Whozit?

2006-06-10T09:46:00.000-08:00

Political cartoons; proving once again that death and war are hilarious.

I had a sit down chat two weeks ago to the day with a soldier who recently served in Iraq. Although I'm sure he must have been quite tired of the subject, we tended to focus on Iraq and the circumstances of his return. The soldier was back in the states following his survival of a suicide bombing at an Iraqi market.

One bit of news this soldier was particularly happy to relay was that Al-Zarqawi had been either killed or captured before he left. "We got 'im," was the exact quote. He said that we wouldn't hear about it for a while, but he was certain his information was correct.

The curious part of this story is the news coverage of Al-Zarqawi's death states that he died in the air strike conducted on Wednesday, a week and a half after I was let into the loop. Either the soldier I spoke to has a magnificent sixth sense, or there was a bit of funny business involving the entire situation. It wouldn't be the first time, I'm sure.

At any rate, Al-Zarqawi's death is great news in the war on terror. Now if we could only find Osama Bin Laden, Saddam's weapons of mass destruction, or our missing civil liberties. Oh, and someone tell the insurgents that they can stop killing people now.

The Wine Kone on Tom Cruise

2006-06-07T19:14:00.000-08:00

Mutant Awareness

2006-06-07T18:04:00.000-08:00

Never mind the stigma, think about the practicality. I'd give my left arm for another left arm.

Liu Junjie, a two month old baby in China, has had his extra arm removed by Chinese doctors. I can only wonder; why? Jie Jie's third arm was almost perfectly anatomically formed, and though it couldn't extend fully, could likely have become fully functional. His remaining hand has no palm and flexes in either direction.

Accurate figures for humans that have grown extra limbs are impossible to obtain, as a large number of mutant fetuses are miscarried or aborted. In the case of most children who are born with excess appendages, the mutant limb is almost always easily identifiable and is surgically removed.

It's time to end this prejudice, sick practice and embrace the evolutionary change that nature is forcing upon us. Mothers of the world, birth those mutant children. Doctors of the world, don't remove their extra limbs. If we continue to systematically eliminate mutants we're no better than Hitler. Didn't anyone pay attention to X-Men III?

Party Like Michigan

2006-06-06T22:43:00.000-08:00

What, did I miss the end of the war on terror?

Well, June 6th 2006 has passed and apparently the apocalypse can wait another hundred years. In order to commemorate the momentous occasion, a remake of a fairly creepy movie about the son of Satan was released, and some people went to Michigan to party. I'd say that they're all going to Hell, but I guess technically they're already there.

John Cologne a.k.a. Odum Plenty, the mayor of Hell, pulled out all the stops for today's party. Bringing home some souvenirs in limited runs of 666 each, selling for $6.66 will boldly state that you are either an atheist, non-Christian, or think that Jesus gets a chuckle out of sacrilege. Hey, nobody's passing judgment here, maybe you just took the kids for the 66 cent ice cream, or to send them through the "Gates of Hell" at the children's play area. "They're 8 feet tall and 5 foot wide and each gate looks like flames, and when they're closed, it's a devil's head," boasts the Cologne.

The best part is that the town got the name when someone asked George Reeves what to call the town he helped settle once Michigan gained its statehood and he replied "call it Hell for all I care." What a mean old bastard.

R.I.P. - Whitney Cerak, OOPS, er, Laura VanRyn

2006-06-03T10:55:00.000-08:00

Whitney reportedly took a swing at one of the VanRyn family during what must have been a very awkward and frustrating recovery.

A fatal car crash April 26 on I-69 in Indianapolis left four students and one staff member of an Upland, Indiana Christian College dead. One student, identified by school staff as Laura VanRyn, survived and was hospitalized in a coma for weeks afterward. The VanRyn family waited patiently by her bedside for any change in condition, making frequent Weblog updates.

Meanwhile, Whitney Cerak, a fellow Taylor student involved in the crash was laid to rest in a memorial service attended by her friends and family.

When the girl in the hospital bed awoke and began to vocalize, the VanRyn family slowly came to realize that she was not their daughter. Laura VanRyn was buried in the Cerak Family plot, and Whitney Cerak had been attended to for weeks by complete strangers.

One family's miracle is another's travesty.

UPDATE: The VanRyn family has deleted their blog, but who can blame them?

Dark Days Ahead for Alaska

2006-06-03T10:00:00.000-08:00

Alaskan Politicians Frank and Lisa Murkowski know how to keep it in the family.

Current Alaska Governor Frank Murkowski has announced mere days before the deadline that he will indeed be throwing his hat into the ring for the coming election. Murkowski is apparently not convinced that he has enough time or support to steamroll the senate into accepting his gas pipeline deal before the end of his current term. Murkowski has stated publicly that should he run for re-election he "will win." To me, this is a very frightening proposition. Sarah Palin, an Alaskan favorite who has been campaigning all year, will now face Frank Murkowski in the Republican primary. Palin may be a favorite with residents, but if the 2002 Lt. Governor's primary she lost to Loren Leman is any indication, she lacks the support of her party, especially against powerhouse Murkowski. That means slim chances for anyone who was hoping to elect Palin on her progressive 'Alaskans first' pro all-Alaska gas pipeline platform.

Former Democratic Governor and Senator Tony Knowles, a well supported Alaskan Democrat has also entered the race late, apparently the Democrat's answer to Murkowski. Knowles is running on a platform of oil taxes for education, and has stated that he would like to offer free in-state college tuition to Alaskan high school graduates with a 'B' or better average. As disillusioned as residents may be with Murkowski, Alaska still carries an overwhelming Republican majority. Even a man as popular as Knowles could easily lose when the party chips are down. Knowles last foray into politics was an unsuccessful bid for Senate last term, which he lost to Frank Murkowski's daughter, Lisa.

I hope to God that I'm wrong, that enough people are fed up with Murkowski's oil interests and self serving ways. I hope Alaskan's wake up and see that we're being conned out of our oil in broad daylight, by the least subtle man on the planet, flying around in a jet that a vote of the people rejected, pockets lined by Exxon and BP. If votes even count anymore I hope that Alaskans speak up this fall, but as it stands now I see very dark days ahead.

Lords of War in Alaska

2006-05-20T11:14:00.000-08:00

An L-39 Albatross jet in flight, the weapons systems on this particular plane, though installed, are rendered inoperable, and are for show purposes only.

It all started with a mysterious jet crash in Ketchican, Alaska one year ago. A Czech L-39 jet crashed into a trailer home, starting an investigation that would uncover more questions than answers.

The jet was being purchased by Security Aviation, an Alaskan company that owns entire fleets of the Czech jets "to do some contract work for the Navy and the Air Force," according to Craig Wolter. Wolter is Security Aviation's director of operations, and would not elaborate further at the time.

Following the crash, federal agents stormed Security Aviation's hangars in Anchorage and Palmer, seizing Millions of dollars in fighter jets and weapons, and arresting Robert Kane on charges of illegally possessing air to ground rocket launchers mountable on L-39 Albatross fighter jets. Security also possessed boxes of Russian made rockets for the launchers. In Kane's home, officials found a briefcase with multiple badges, medals, passports, $20K cash, and a silencer for a .45 handgun. Kane maintained that he was subcontracting for the United States military and was not at liberty to discuss details.

The government has since ordered the release of all of Security's jets, and Kane's trial is now underway.

Just a hunch, but I'm guessing that owning rockets, rocket launchers, and Czech L-39 jets separately is not against the law, as long as you don't combine the three. We'll see how Kane's trial turns out, but so far I have not seen anything saying that the government denies any affiliation with Kane, who was likely an arms dealing middleman for the government to unsavory characters - a la Nick Cage in "Lord of War".

Either that or Kane's just crazy as fuck.

R.I.P. - Kenneth McDavid & Paul Vados

2006-05-20T09:54:00.000-08:00

You or I might see a man sleeping in a shopping cart, but to the trained eye, it's a basket of cash.

What are two elderly ladies to do when their comfortable lifestyle becomes threatened in their old age? Well, some seniors might swallow their pride, trade in that Mercedes, sell the mansion, and step down to a more sustainable lifestyle; Buy a Kia, maybe a 1 bedroom condo.

Helen Golay, 75, and Olga Rutterschmidt, 72, however, decided that it was much less embarrassing to simply befriend two homeless men, rent them apartments, get them to sign life insurance contracts, and then run them over in dark alleys in the early morning hours.

The women were under police surveillance, but were arrested after meeting with several older men and having them sign unspecified documents.

Hasselhoff Makes Germans Hungry

2006-05-13T11:56:00.000-08:00

"If having sex with men, murdering them in cold blood, preparing them with herbs and a light wine sauce, and then eating them is wrong then I don't want to be right," -Armin Meiwes

Armin Meiwes, sentenced to eight years for manslaughter back in 2004, is getting a retrial. No, Meiwes isn't trying to get off lighter, German prosecutors believe that manslaughter is too lenient a sentence, and are seeking a life sentence for Murder. So why did Meiwes receive such a lenient sentence in the first place? Some say it was due to the consentual nature of his crime.

Armin Meiwes, a computer technician, posted a personal ad on the internet seeking "a well-built man prepared to be eaten and killed." Meiwes received over a hundred responses to his ad before deciding on Bernd Brandes. The two enjoyed a romantic dinner of sausage-like parts of Brandes together before Brandes died and was carved and frozen for later consumption.

At trial, Meiwes pleaded "Not Guilty By Reason of Germanity." Defense attorneys stated "This man grew up eating sausages and listening to Kraftwerk, What other outcome could you possibly expect from that kind of environment?" Court-appointed psychologist Klaus Beier argued that Meiwes was indeed not insane, but merely "From a clinical point of view ... 'Batshit German.'"

Meiwes claimed the idea came from subliminal messages in David Hasselhoff's 1999 album Looking for Freedom.

Gassy & Oily Fellows in Juneau

2006-05-10T18:38:00.000-08:00

Look at it, stretching out all those miles across another country. Makes a lot more sense than going straight down to the water where there's a huge shipping port... I guess?

A bit of background on the mythological Alaska Gas Pipeline: Alaska has a lot of natural gas on it's north slope, worth billions of dollars in new State Funds and oil company profits. The oil companies have thus far not brought any to market, but the State of Alaska is pushing hard to extract. Alaska's Governor, Frank Murkowski, has been in extended 'closed door' gas line contract talks with the big three oil producers in Alaska for longer than I can even remember. No oversight, no press, private shit. This is the man who bought himself a jet even after a vote of the people turned down the idea, and said that he wouldn't tell the press if he was going to run in the upcoming election but said that "If I do run I will win."

The people of Alaska want the gas line run to the port city Valdez to benefit Alaskans the way that the Trans-Alaska Pipeline does, but current plans pump the gas through Canada to lower 48 markets, and if the Governor's gas line deal is anything like the recent oil tax changes he's proposed, he's telling Alaska to 'do as it's told' in respect to the oil companies. The Governor is attempting to muscle the state senate and house, and hasn't received much more than light verbal resistance. The proposed plan could lock in financial terms for 30 years or more, and people are asking if that's even legal to do.

Much as Murkowski did when he bought the jet, he is turning a deaf ear on Alaska as he attempts to ram this deal through and lock it in before the end of his term. At that point people can sue the State of Alaska and the big 3 oil companies all they want, we all see how well that worked with Exxon last time.

Finally, after being sued in State Supreme Court to release the contract, and being demanded Friday to release the documents "immediately," there is a draft of the contract for public review on the Governor's website. It's 356 pages long.

Lucky for Alaska residents there's a 'comment period'. Did I mention there are no roads to the State Capitol, Juneau?

You're Cross-Fired!

2006-05-07T17:36:00.000-08:00

Turns out, he will not be your monkey.

Stephen Colbert's recent address at the White House Correspondent's Dinner got me thinking about Jon Stewart's appearance on "Crossfire" back in 2004. I hadn't seen the entire segment, so I never had a feel for what happened on that show and the impact it had on the shows cancellation.

Now that I've seen this clip I understand the extent of Stewart's role in the creation of the "Colbert Report", and the origins of the Colbert character. I see Jon, Stephen rises to power like a phoenix from the ashes of Tucker Carlson and Paul Bagala. Who can disagree with a man who loves America so much?

I'm throwing my full support behind Stewart / Colbert 2008, which is surprisingly grass roots at the moment. Do your part: sign an i-petition, wear a shirt, or just join in the call for change by making your voice heard.

Some Old News

2006-05-06T10:45:00.000-08:00

Category: Goatees & Partial Beards, Freestyle.

Though it's been decided for quite some time, I felt it necessary to report that the 2009 World Beard and Moustache Championship will indeed be held in Anchorage, Alaska. Depending on the progress of my Admiral's, I may enter in the category: Sideburns, Moustache Optional.

Stephen Colbert's Balls: Not Just for Kids!

2006-05-03T18:47:00.000-08:00

Next up for the Colbert Report's "Who's Honoring me Now"? America, Steven, its very heart and soul is honoring you now. Thank you, Sir, for your gift of Truthiness.

Well, if anyone didn't know my hero, Stephen Colbert, before the White House Correspondent's Dinner, they do now. Mr. Colbert is being hailed by some as a 'folk hero' but by most republicans as 'over the line'. Though Fox news reported Colbert 'bombed' at the dinner, quite the different story is developing out here in reality-land. As Stephen pointed out though, "reality has a well known liberal bias."

I doubt that George W. realized that the night's entertainment would be staring him straight in the face as he lampooned Cheney's hunting, NSA wiretaps, the Plame leak, the Iraq war, 9/11, and Hurricane Katrina. Bush was WAY out of his comfort zone. The president looked clearly uncomfortable as Stephen continued to drill home jokes to a mostly unreceptive crowd. Crowd, you were right to be uncomfortable, because the joke was on you, too. Mr. Colbert, your dedication is remarkable, and I hope you know that the other 68% of us are watching the clips at home and cheering. Especially at all the uncomfortable rich and influential people.

In a related mysterious turn of events, YouTube, a video hosting site, has pulled the Colbert video from their site, and gone as far as banning the clip. The video site has not explained why the Colbert clips are now Taboo, but don't be surprised if they turn up on the Colbert Report's "Who's Attacking me Now," if they're not already "On Notice."

Watch the entire speech HERE, then add The Colbert Report to your series recordings on TiVo, you've missed too much already.

Nintendo Wii?

2006-04-30T06:48:00.000-08:00

Yes, you really will have to use that remote control to play games. Well, you would, if anyone actually buys one of these.

Nintendo President Satoru Iwata must live in the mushroom kingdom. In his fanciful world, people play video games with T.V. remotes and don't mind waiting until after all the other next generation consoles are out to pick one up that's comparable in capabilities to the original Xbox. (CPU 729 Mhz to Xbox's 733; GPU 243 Mhz to Xbox's 233)

To top it all off, Iwata announced that he's kicked the code name 'Revolution' to the curb, and has finally decided on a name for his new Nintendo console: the Wii. That's right, Wii. Pronounced like "we" or "whee" or maybe "wee"? Nintendo says that the double i's represent the controller's remotes, and people gathering to play, and that the moniker 'we' "emphasizes this console is for everyone." The press release went on to state that the name could "easily be remembered by people around the world, no matter what language they speak. No confusion. No need to abbreviate. Just Wii." Just Wii, classic.

Thank god, finally, something has come along to alleviate all the headaches caused by such complicated game system names as Playstation 3 and Xbox 360. Which one do they call the PS3 again? It's too much. I'll take a Wii now, thank you very much Microsoft and Sony.

Due Process

2006-04-29T10:22:00.000-08:00

When you have to remind your landlord who you are, where you live, and how much your rent is EVERY month, it may be time to move.

So I'm suing my last landlord for non-payment of my security deposit. I suppose that it's a pretty common thing for them not to pay you back, but what most people don't realize is that the law, at least in Alaska, is on their side in that matter. If said landlord doesn't provide you with a notice of what your deposit was spent on within 14 days, you're entitled to double the amount withheld.

Here's the rub: When sued, the defendant has the option to elect formal rules of court, rather than proceed by the happy-go-lucky 'judge judy' style small claims procedure, and most slumlords have teams of lawyers on retainer. At this point, most people with any common sense realize how impossible the court system is to navigate, and rather than spend more money on a lawyer than they stand to get back, they just bow out gracefully. Luckily for me, I lack any common sense whatsoever.

There is just enough information out there to help the common man represent themself 'per si' in court under formal rules. I imagine right now the defense's lawyers are chuckling, betting that I won't get my discovery or witness and evidence lists submitted by the court deadline. I'm waiting until the last minute to hit them by surprise.

These fuckers are going down. I've read the entire landlord/tennant act, statute by statute, and they don't have a leg to stand on. I can't wait for my day in court.

Ted Stevens' Seward Folly

2006-04-28T21:38:00.000-08:00

You may remember Ted Stevens from such sneaky moves as attaching ANWR oil drilling to a defense budget, or $223 million earmarked federal pork barrel dollars for Alaskan road projects.

In an unsurprising appropriations move by Alaska's sneakiest senator, (Gov. Murkowski holds sneakiest Alaskan title for his ongoing closed door gas line meetings) all leftover monies from the City of Seward visitor's center land appropriation fund were transferred to the Seward SeaLife Center. The collective jaw of Seward's residents dropped when they learned that they would not be receiving the $1.6 million for city projects.

Why would good ol' Uncle Ted appropriate so much money away from the visitor's center? Well, it turns out, one hand washes the other pretty well here in Alaska. Senator Stevens' ex-legislative aide, Trevor McCabe, now a lobbyist, had some leftover property that the state apparently forgot to buy when it purchased the rest of his parcels at inflated prices to build the SeaLife center. In fact, no one wanted to buy McCabe's asbestos and lead lined brick building, which only seemed like a good investment in 2003 when he bought as many of the possible future SeaLife locations as he could.

In fact, last year negotiations fell through when the Seward visitor's center refused to pay above market value for McCabe's waterfront deathtrap, which basically only has value as a lot. Finally, Uncle Ted came to the rescue, taking the $1.6 million from the coffers of the stingy visitor's center and granting it to the SeaLife center, who immediately used the funds to purchase McCabe's building.

R.I.P. - 400 Zanzibar Dolphins

2006-04-28T12:51:00.000-08:00

Could dolphins we trained and supplied with weapons during Vietnam now be using their training and weapons against U.S. interests?

Dolphins, a major staple of the Zanzibar tourist industry, began washing up dead en masse Thursday night along a popular stretch of Zanzibar's northern coast. Villagers and fishermen found the dolphin corpses and clued in the government. Though there was a warning issued not to eat the dolphins, poison has been ruled out, and those who have been eating the dolphins despite the warning are reported to be just fine.

Some suggest the dolphins' fate could be tied to an incident in Hawaii in 2004, where 150 melon headed whales became stranded in Hanalei Bay. The National Marine Fisheries Service issued a report that blamed the use of active sonar in the bay by American and Japanese vessels in a training exercise that day. Some say that a U.S. Navy task force that patrols the area off the coast of Africa is to blame for the Zanzibar dolphins' death, the Navy has not issued a statement.

I think while it may be suggested that the Zanzibar dolphins could have been a terrorist cell and were victims of anti-terror measures, that explanation is only a cover up at best.

It should be obvious that the dolphins were anti-war protesters.

News from Saturn

2006-04-26T21:46:00.000-08:00

Move over, Earth, Enceladus is the new place to be for all the 'cool' carbon based life.

The Cassini probe sent back images of the Saturn moon showing that a geyser in the south polar region, long thought to vent only ice particles from just under the planet's surface, was in fact venting liquid water. Unusually warm temperatures in this region suggest friction heat from below the icy surface. That means that Enceladus is now known to contain all three necessary components of life as we know it: Carbon, water, and an energy source.

Given recent discoveries concerning the reverse temperature metabolism of ice-worms, and unique solar-independent self-sustaining ecosystems in the depths of the oceans supported by volcanic vents; Imagining that microbial, possibly even multi-cellular carbon based life forms may already exist might not be a stretch of the imagination by any means, despite the moons freezing temperatures.

Oh shit, I forgot to make a joke.

Low-Tech Jewel Heist

2006-04-26T18:58:00.000-08:00

"I'll take it. No, REALLY."

A man walked into Milanj Jewelers in the King of Prussia Mall in Pennsylvania Tuesday and asked the salesman to see a three-carat diamond set in platinum. After looking the ring over for several minutes the man apparently decided he wanted it. So he ran, right out of the mall.

When police found the man's vehicle later, abandoned, it turned out to be stolen as well. No further leads were available. The ring was valued in the neighborhood of $100,000.

File this under: 'Can't believe this doesn't happen every damn day of the week.'

Karim Kadim is a Bad Ass

2006-04-26T18:32:00.000-08:00

These are the good guys. You can tell by the... uh... hmm. Well, hopefully, they're not the ones shooting at you.

Award winning photographer Karim Kadim has balls of steel. Karim walks around Iraq all day with a camera taking pictures of stuff, and then sells pictures to Americans. Regardless of your race, this doesn't sound like a safe way to make a living.

A recent picture for the Associated Press by Kadim got me thinking. It portrays an Iraqi soldier in full battle dress, Kevlar vest and helmet, holding a gun that looks like it could shoot holes in a tank for 30 minutes straight without running out of ammo. We have to realize that every single gun and piece of body armor that we supply an Iraqi is just fuel on the fire. What happens when the American superiors aren't around? We find pickup truck beds full of corpses daily. At least now the factions can kill each other efficiently and in greater numbers, I suppose.

R.I.P. - Jason Chellew

2006-04-26T17:28:00.000-08:00

Misleading in its apparent normality, this Alta, CA house had to be fenced off because it swallowed a man.

Jason, we can only hope you've found a better place, because your life on Earth looks, to the outside observer, like it sucked. Your dad was a cop. You lived in your parents' basement with your pregnant Taiwanese wife. Together, you all lived in a dusty old run down mining town. Then, as if fate hadn't been cruel enough to you, you will always be remembered as that guy, whose death is the fodder of water cooler talks and weblogs.

It was 9:30 and you were just relaxing in your recliner, in your basement apartment, probably drinking a Pabst or whatever the hell is cheapest by the case in Cali, getting ready to call it a day.

Then the planet opened up and fucking ate you.

Advent Children Released

2006-04-25T14:52:00.000-08:00

Square-Enix released their new CGI Final Fantasy movie today simultaneously in the United States and Japan. Is this something we dare posibly expect from Sqeenix in the future concerning games? Some of us are still waiting to play FFXII, Japan!

Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, out today, is a straight to video release attempting to repair the damage done by the box office bomb Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within. Fans' main problem with Spirits Within? Not true enough to the Final Fantasy name. Square-Enix attempted to remedy this concern by making the new movie a sequal to the most popular storyline from the series, making it as Final Fantasy-ish as possible.

I'm sure you already picked your copy up this morning. I did.
Times watched: 6

PBS Alaska Pipeline Documentary

2006-04-24T14:36:00.000-08:00

I'm not positive, but somehow I doubt you'll see any shots like this on PBS. There is a crude spill per day in Prudhoe Bay.

PBS broadcasts their Trans-Alaska Pipeline documentary tonight. I'll have to TiVo it because I'll be pretty busy reading all the pro-oil propaghanda in the newspaper, listening to BP & Exxon advertise on the radio while I eat unrefined crude oil with a spoon and cheer about my Permanent Fund Dividend check, which I plan to spend entirely on $3.00/gal. gasoline, unless I can find it somewhere else for more.

Meanwhile, good luck stumbling into any of the exciting information concerning the remarkable progress they're making on Bio-Diesel and Vegetable Oil

greasecar.com

MORE Liquid Ass

2006-04-23T19:33:00.000-08:00

"I think your article would be better with a picture of a bottle of Liquid ASS, so people can see what your talking about." -Andrew
C'mon Andy, Who doesn't know what Liquid Ass looks like?

Liquid Ass entrepreneur Andrew, AKA Assman #2 (by choice), was kind enough to link to my site at my request, following my article praising their product as "Totally necessary." So be sure to navigate there, if only to find my link and come back. It's like a scavenger hunt!

He was also kind enough to point out a mistake I made concerning the product's price. The correct cost of Liquid Ass is $4.75, a mere Quarter higher than my stated $4.50, which I have corrected on my original post. If you're a savvy shopper like me, though, you buy in bulk. Nine bottles lowers the cost to $3.98 ea. PLUS you pay the same shipping as for a single bottle.

Imagine your friends' delight when you tell them you've got a case of Liquid Ass!

R.I.P. - Estonian Bear

2006-04-23T19:00:00.000-08:00

Here we see the Estonian Bear in his more carefree 'Canada Loving' days, posing in front of the Parliament House of Estonia. Seriously, that's the Paliament House of Estonia.

Though no one may have known you in life, Estonian Bear, we all mourn your passing. When a fishing crew saw you stranded on an ice floe more than 10 Km at sea, our hearts went out to you. So helpless and alone, pushed out by your mother to find your own territory in a shrinking world. Adrift, so far away from safety.

When the helicopter search was called off due to poor visibility, we all lost a little piece of ourselves. In a way, we're all just young cubs, adrift in arctic waters, trying to make our way to safe harbor.

Either that, or the whole thing was a joke to some drunk Estonian fishermen.

Georgia Gets 'Olde School'

2006-04-23T08:39:00.000-08:00

Don't get me wrong, religion has it's selling points, but as the illustration shows, some things aren't all they're cracked up to be.

Georgia law makers know how to push the envelope. (what the hell does that phrase mean?) At any rate, back in the news: Georgia's small minds. Already famous for such gems as their State Supreme Court 'Ten Commandments' sculpture and 'Intelligent Design' curricula, Georgia goes one step further by instituting a Bible study course in public school, paid for by government tax dollars. Maybe if they instituted a U.S. Constitution study course instead, they might find that line they apparently missed about seperation of church and state.

I took a Bible course in college once, it was called "Ancient Literature."

North Pole: Not So Jolly In Off Season

2006-04-22T23:15:00.000-08:00

Six middle school students in North Pole were recently arrested for plotting a school massacre. Without having any actual facts, I can only assume that Santa had something to do with this.

Six students were caught trying to get all Columbinesque when someone apparently posted something alluding to their plans on their MySpace account. Sure, a guy like me tries everything he can to get people to read his weblog, and here these kids are caught before they can even try anything. I guess it's time to start plotting a school shooting. Good advice, though: If you are plotting illegality in general, try not to advertise in the public domain.

Seriously, though, why is it that every time Alaska makes the national news, it has something to do with some fucked up kids and/or Natives? Do we make a big deal about your drunken crazy substance abusive Indian problems, contiguous United States? You guys are total cock-blockers.

Liquid Ass: Totally Necessary Product.

2006-04-21T21:09:00.000-08:00

No one really liked Todd because he was always talking about 'racing Liquid Ass.' He wouldn't shut up about how smoothly it ran, and how fast it could go. That's just gross.

Whatever the top prize for inventions is, this year it needs to go to the guys who invented Liquid Ass. Not only is it a 100% necessary product with a cool name, but at $4.75 a bottle it's a bargain as well. I'd definitely recommend buying a case ($3.94 ea. per 9 pack), because you can never have enough Liquid Ass close at hand. Just think of all the applications for Liquid Ass, especially in scenarios where solid ass is simply not viable.

I've already decided how to get my piece of the pie, however, and Liquid Ass had better watch it's... Well, you know.

Available by request, on my website only, but hopefully gracing store shelves soon: Real Human Feces; guaranteed to be even funnier than Liquid Ass.

R.I.P. - Cyclops the Cat

2006-04-20T18:55:00.000-08:00

This world was not a good enough place for you, Cy.

First thought to be a hoax, this picture of Cy the cyclops kitten is indeed accurate. The poor misbegotten creature lived only a single, sweet day, and left us all wanting more. Cy's arrival was a symbol of things to come. That's right, we now have photographic evidence, the future of evolution: Cyclopids.

Alaskan Democrats Sue State

2006-04-20T16:49:00.000-08:00

Alaska's ruling family -Sen. Lisa Murkowski, daughter of Gov. Frank Murkowski, with America's ruling family -G.W. Bush, brother of Florida Gov. J. Bush, son of former President G.H.W. Bush. Remember: we live in a democracy, we just really like people with matching names.

Ok, so the Alaskan Democratic Party wants to take a look at official voting records and the state won't let them. What a bunch of whiny bitches, what's the big deal?

Just because half of the reporting districts "show more votes cast than there were registered voters to cast them" in the 2004 election doesn't mean anything fishy is going on. Especially not when you consider that only an average of 30% of the states' registered voters actually vote.

It was an important voting year, with a well known and liked democratic candidate running for governor against the previous Republican governor's daughter - who had been handed her seat the previous term by her father. There was an almost 100,000 vote discrepancy, about 35% of her total. The same was true for presidential votes, almost to the number.

With stakes that high, though, who can blame 100+% of registered voters for casting their ballots?

Fuck Kyle MacDonald!

2006-04-19T20:56:00.000-08:00

Yeah, sure, call me a Canadian hater, he looks nice enough.

Here's the rub: I pay a substantial amount of money every month for the privelage of home ownership, it's something I had to work my way up in life to get, and I don't appriciate someone acting like they deserve a house for nothing. I understand that everyday people are given far more for far less. However; I'm not forced to hear, see, and read about those people except on MTV and VH1, which I try not to watch. And in magazines. And newspapers. The well to do neighborhoods. Out on the highway. At work... Okay, well I guess I'm forced to put up with it everywhere I look. Damn it, get your wealth out of my face!

You realize I forever blame you and your fucking paperclip, Kyle.

Back Yardigans

2006-04-19T20:40:00.000-08:00

I'm not an animated children's show character, but I do spend all day in what they call the 'back yard' at the local lumber retailer. My favorite 'make believe' game is 'make believe the labor is worth the pay'.

Today, two of my coworkers and I invented a game involving aspects of soccer, skeeball, wallyball, and basketball. It had a fence, a garbage can, a five gallon bucket, and a basketball. I got paid twenty-one dollars per hour to play this ball game in the sun for two and a half hours before I went home. I came in second.

Moments like that are still not compensation for the damage we do to our bodies on a daily basis, but it helps to forget that you'll wake up with a stiff back and aching joints tomorrow.

USA: United States of Aztlan

2006-04-18T15:55:00.000-08:00

What a convienient place for someone out of frame to wave an American flag!

Recent immigration reform rallies across the United States have been turning heads with up to one million protesters en masse, terrifying comfortable white men with gardeners and maids. The government and media attempt to sugar-coat the situation by providing small groups with American flags instead of Mexican flags for organized photo opportunities. The result is a very 4th of July-esque picture that might otherwise seem downright intimidating. National news outlets are already trying to shift the focus.

Meanwhile, a seperatist group known as La Voz de Aztlan have taken to speaking at ralles, inciting protesters, and calling for forfeiture of southwest American land in order to form a new country, called Aztlan. La Voz de Aztlan believes that recent school walkouts have proven that the latino youth is "now ready to be mobilized"... at least to skip a day of school.

The solution? Don't just offer the illegal immigrants citizenship, offer ALL mexicans citizenship. Grant the Mexican government statehood. If they don't accept, simply force a coup d'état as we did in Hawaii. Remember, guns were a perfectly acceptable method of handling mexican border disputes in 1846.

You're getting sleepy...

2006-04-17T21:11:00.000-08:00

What do you mean you don't remember how you got home?

Hypnotism really should have much stricter lisencure. If it truely works, I bet at least one in three hypnotists is a date rapist. If you tell a girl at the bar that you're a hypnotist, who wouldn't be like "yeah right, hypnotize me!"

Does that make it consentual?

Transformers: The Movie - The Movie.

2006-04-17T17:27:00.000-08:00

It's a familiar story: Toy companies reaping the rewards of nostalgic parents.

Younger parents mean quicker returns for companies like Hasbro, who spent a shit-ton of money in the 80's burning their product into young, impressionable minds. With that kind of business model, all you have to do is simply exist another 20 years or so, until young adults flood the market, wanting their kids to watch the same cartoon characters and play with the same toys they did. (e.g. cabbage patch, g.i. joe, my little pony)

Ever since the invention of CGI I've touted my idea of bringing a live action movie based on the Transformers. Giant robots causing chaos in urban environments? Turning into trucks and fighter jets, shooting each other with laser beams? Optimus fucking Prime?

All I want to know is: Where do I stand in line to pay my $12?

The Transformers Blog